June 28, 2017, 10:41:18 PM

Author Topic: [sticky] The Official Joke Thread  (Read 146408 times)

Offline chamcham

  • Braveheart
  • ********
  • Posts: 2469
  • Karma: +398/-2
  • auld cham
Re: [sticky] The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #705 on: February 20, 2011, 11:52:00 PM »
The wife sent me this!-Honest!!!!      The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on).

  :happy: :happy: :happy: :happy: :happy: :happy: :happy: :happy: :happy: :happy:


 
   

that old! - been there! done that!!and the birds in aussie are real friendly!

Offline chamcham

  • Braveheart
  • ********
  • Posts: 2469
  • Karma: +398/-2
  • auld cham
Re: [sticky] The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #706 on: March 05, 2011, 12:09:33 AM »
Now? if you work for the tax dept. here's one for you !!---------------------------------------------------     At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
 Books of a local hospital. While the Tax Office agent was checking the Books he
 turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of
 bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little
 left to be of any use?"
     "Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the
 Bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
 bandages."
    "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
 had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way "What about
 All these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting
 a cast on a patient?"
 "Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
     "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
     "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all
 The little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
They send us a complete prick." :happy: :happy: :happy:
that old! - been there! done that!!and the birds in aussie are real friendly!

Offline flyingscotsman

  • Independence for Scotland!
  • Administrator
  • Braveheart
  • *****
  • Posts: 4103
  • Karma: +280/-0
  • In the Wild Wild West
    • Scotchat
Re: [sticky] The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #707 on: March 07, 2011, 01:45:12 PM »
OMG!!!! hahaha...brilliant!
...for, as long as but a hundred of us remain alive, never will we on any conditions be brought under English rule. It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom – for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself.

Offline flyingscotsman

  • Independence for Scotland!
  • Administrator
  • Braveheart
  • *****
  • Posts: 4103
  • Karma: +280/-0
  • In the Wild Wild West
    • Scotchat
Re: [sticky] The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #708 on: November 11, 2011, 09:10:26 AM »
Old ones are the best


An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '?10,000 per call'.


The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for ?10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Lincoln
There, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for ?10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to York , Durham and Liverpool

In every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same '?10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving the N of England decided to travel to Scotland to see if the Scots had the same phone.

He arrived in Glasgow, and again, as he entered the cathedral , there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Reverend, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was ?10,000 per call. Why is it only 50pence here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son .... it's a local call.'


...for, as long as but a hundred of us remain alive, never will we on any conditions be brought under English rule. It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom – for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself.

Offline chamcham

  • Braveheart
  • ********
  • Posts: 2469
  • Karma: +398/-2
  • auld cham
Re: [sticky] The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #709 on: February 11, 2012, 12:54:43 AM »
Another gem from the usual source!!!                                                                                                                                                   An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent's Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.

 

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

 

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

 

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

 

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

 

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins"._ :happy: :happy: :happy: :happy: :happy: :happy:
that old! - been there! done that!!and the birds in aussie are real friendly!

Offline flyingscotsman

  • Independence for Scotland!
  • Administrator
  • Braveheart
  • *****
  • Posts: 4103
  • Karma: +280/-0
  • In the Wild Wild West
    • Scotchat
Re: [sticky] The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #710 on: February 15, 2012, 01:59:19 PM »
Ach thats just brilliant byraway
...for, as long as but a hundred of us remain alive, never will we on any conditions be brought under English rule. It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom – for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself.